We have all experienced hurt and injury at the hands of others, haven’t we? Yes, there have been physical injuries - like when my brother was chasing a 2-year-old me around the house and I fell and broke my leg (to be fair, I was wearing a pair of my dad’s boots which significantly limited my flexibility). But I’m talking about the more significant injuries - the injuries of the heart and spirit. Physical wounds heal, but wounds of the heart? They can fester. The truth is, we are all broken people. And when broken people brush up against one another in life, they can get cut by the jagged edges.
It happens in marriage, you know. One spouse will say something hurtful to the other, or one will use a certain tone in an otherwise innocuous sentence. And a wound appears.
One of the best pieces of advice given to my wife and me when we were about to get married was this: Remember, no matter what your spouse does or says, they never intend to hurt you. And yet, it can hurt, right? You try to forgive, and you even convince yourself that you have gotten past it. But, every time those certain words are said, every time that certain act is committed, the memory of the wound calls out to you, and you gladly answer. You look back.
“There it is again! She just doesn’t understand me!”
“Why does he keep doing that? Doesn’t he know that I hate that?”
I think the problem is, while we think we have forgiven, we don’t release it to our Father. We hold the injury in our hand, say we have forgiven, and then put it back in our pocket. But God wants you to give it to him. He says, “Give all of your cares to me, because I care about YOU!” (1 Peter 5:6-7)
It’s the struggle, the one-step-forward-two-steps-back. The don’t-ever-forget-how-you-were-hurt-cycle. And it never gets your marriage to the place God wants to take it. How can you walk forward, if you are looking behind you?
Remember Lot’s wife? She was in the process of being rescued. She was being delivered from evil and certain destruction. And she was told to not look back. But behind her was her past. Behind her were her memories. Behind her were the things that she couldn’t let go. So she looked back, and she missed the salvation that the Lord had for her just up ahead.
So what do we do? We take our thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). We establish perimeter fences around our hearts. Perimeter fences not only keep things in. They also keep things out. They keep out the evil that wants to throw your past back in your lap. They keep out the little things that slipped through your fingers when you tried to give them to God.
So don’t look back. God has amazing things ahead for your marriage. It’s not always easy, but it’s always beautiful. And if you look back, you might miss it.
Suggested To-Do List:
Are there past hurts that you have not been able to give to God? If so, write them on a piece of paper. Spend time in prayer and give them to God. Then burn the piece of paper or throw it in the trash. Repeat this every day, until you feel release from the past. It may happen immediately, or it may take a few days, but it will happen.
Set some time to get together with your spouse. Have an honest conversation about past hurts. Forgive and release. Say out loud to each other, “I forgive you. I’m letting that go and I’m not looking back.” It sounds cheesy, but saying it out loud makes it real.
Start having honest conversations with your spouse. Let them know when you feel hurt - not as an accusation, but as an acknowledgement. Have the courage and humility to hear the same thing from your spouse. Do this in a loving, compassionate way - remembering that your spouse never intended to hurt you. Get it out in the open. Fresh air and sunshine can be a powerful balm for a wound.
AUTHOR: David Stephens is a retired school superintendent that has returned to the classroom to continue investing in young people. He and his wife, Kelly, have been married since 2004 and have three children.
Image by dbderuiter from Pixabay
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